The Creepiest Place on Earth
by Tazmy
Summary: John wants the team to visit Disneyland. Rodney is horrified at the suggestion. Added a second chapter since people asked for one: "You really got arrested? At Disneyland?"
1. Chapter 1

John Sheppard kicked his legs up on the mess hall table, crossing his arms around his chest while stifling a laugh at McKay's panic. "You have issues."

"We all have issues. That's not the point," McKay answered, his eyes wide and his voice shaking.

"I don't know. This sounds pretty serious to me."

"It's completely normal not to want to go to a place loaded with _kids_ and weird people in costumes wanting to _hug_ everyone. It's creepy and I'm not ten-years-old."

"You're acting like you're five."

"Am not."

"Am too."

"I'm not going and you can't make me," McKay said, crossing his own arms around his chest and holding his chin high in defiance. It was a shame the mess hall was empty, Sheppard realized, because this conversation begged for an audience.

"It's not like I'm asking you to go on a hive ship, Rodney."

"This isn't exactly much better!"

"Really? Disneyland versus a hive ship. You're telling me you'd have a hard time deciding which one you'd rather face?"

"I'm 60% certain I'd choose Disneyland, but it's a close call, yes. Why do _you_ want to go anyway?"

Sheppard knew he hesitated just as he knew McKay saw the change in him. He could tell in how McKay sat up, no longer in panic but gazing at him strangely, as though trying to read his thoughts. The scary thing was, Sheppard realized, sometimes it felt like McKay _could _read his mind and Sheppard could read his in return. That's how it went when you fought alien monsters on other worlds time and again with the same people-they became a part of you.

"What is it?" McKay asked when Sheppard offered no further response.

"Nothing. Look, all I'm saying is that roller coasters are pretty cool. And I did promise Teyla I'd show her a ferris wheel."

"So why Disneyland and not some other theme park?"

"Besides the fact Disneyland is awesome?"

McKay snorted, lifting his glass of water to his mouth. Before McKay could gulp, Sheppard added, "Imagine Ronon in Mickey Mouse ears."

Sheppard couldn't help but laugh as water sprayed from McKay's mouth. "Are you trying to break my brain?"

"Oh, come on, you know you want to see it as much as I do."

"Maybe." McKay stifled his own laugh before becoming serious once again. "Really, what's this about?"

Drawing a deep breath, Sheppard stood up, pacing the room for a moment before finally answering, "How much did you sleep last week?"

"What? What does that have to-"

"How much did you sleep last night? I'll tell you: 7 hours. Over the course of one week you had the same amount of sleep as a person should get in one day."

"Because I was busy trying to save all of our lives," McKay said defensively.

"Yes, trying to save all of our lives. Just like the week before that and the week before that and the week before that. Over the last year, we've both visited the infirmary more times than my entire team of marines combined."

"So now you're going to torture me by sending me to the most terrifying place on earth?"

"The _happiest _place on earth, Rodney." Before McKay could cut in, Sheppard continued quickly. "What about Teyla? She's been busy helping the Athosians and going on missions with us. She's been running on empty for at least a month now. Ronon has been working hard helping her and us, training marines, and who knows what else."

"I still don't-"

"We need this. You may not see it but I can. We're all at the breaking point and we all have a lot of demons none of us want to talk about. That's fine," Sheppard continued, breaking off whatever response McKay wanted to give. "I don't want to talk about them either. But I am team leader and it is my job to make sure we don't fall apart. We have to go to Anaheim for this lame summit and as long as we're there we should take advantage."

McKay still didn't look convinced so Sheppard continued, "We need something good to happen. We need a rest as a team."

"But Disneyland?" McKay whined.

"Yes, Rodney, Disneyland. It's a good idea."

"But-"

"This isn't a debate. We are going to go and we are going to have fun and that is final."

McKay slunk back into his chair, watching Sheppard closely. Sheppard, for his part, didn't flinch back. He met the blue gaze with his own penetrating stare. "We need this," Sheppard reiterated.

"You can't think of anywhere else you want to go?" McKay asked, but Sheppard could sense the resignation in his voice.

"Ronon in Mickey Mouse ears, Rodney. Trust me. Disneyland is perfect." It wasn't just Ronon, Sheppard knew. There was something magical about the place, even if McKay didn't want to admit it. Placing ears on the head and going on rides had a quality to it that even the grumpiest person couldn't help but feel happy. They needed happy.

"Hey," Sheppard said, noticing the two new arrivals watching from the mess hall door.

"Hey," Ronon answered. Teyla simply nodded.

Ronon and Teyla slipped into their chairs with no explanations as to why they were there in the middle of the night any more than Sheppard or McKay did. Sheppard knew that was part of the point. It wasn't just during life-saving adventures. None of them seemed to sleep much any more.

"Oh, good, you're both here," McKay said a moment later, as though noticing them for the first time. "Maybe you can talk some reason into him."

"What is the problem?" Teyla asked. She stifled back a yawn. Sheppard watched her closely, noticing the black bags below her eyes. Teyla usually had the best posture of the group but today she slouched forward, not bothering to hide her weariness.

"No problem. McKay's just panicking over nothing again," Sheppard assured her.

"We're going to Disneyland," McKay explained with a sigh, pushing a bar of chocolate to his teammates.

"Where?" Ronon asked. Of the group, Ronon seemed the best off. His eyes were weary but alert. Somehow his dreadlocks always seemed to convey a sense of strength and determination, but he too slouched his shoulders and stifled his own yawn.

"Is that not the place with ferris wheels and roller coasters John was telling me about?" Teyla asked.

"Unfortunately," McKay moaned. "Complete with screaming children, mad people in costume-"

"Awesome rides and good food," Sheppard cut in.

"Overly expensive food you mean. Oh and creepy singing dolls that sing the same song over and over and over and over."

"Sounds terrifying," Ronon said.

"Exactly," McKay answered.

Sheppard cleared his throat, glaring at McKay "Not to mention awesome pirate rides, the log rides, the Indiana Jones ride-"

"Like that movie with the archaeologist?" Teyla asked. She passed on the chocolate while she surveyed the two contrasting reactions of her teammates.

"Yes! Just like the movie," Sheppard answered. "You liked that one, right?"

"It was...interesting."

"I liked it," Ronon added. "Snakes creeped me out though."

"Me too," Teyla agreed. "You are not happy about this, Rodney?"

"Happy? No, not so much. In fact, if you can talk him out of this, I'll give you my entire chocolate supply."

"I see," Teyla said, looking to Sheppard for clarification. He shrugged in response.

"Rodney's just being a curmudgeon. He'll like it when we get there."

"Will not."

"Will too."

"Do we get to fight the creepy dolls?" Ronon asked.

"Not so much, no," Sheppard responded.

"Oh," Ronon responded, gazing downward.

"It might be best to try for a different place?" Teyla suggested.

Sheppard caught McKay's eye, silently reminding him of what was said before Teyla and Ronon's arrival. _We need this._

McKay glanced back with pleading eyes. _But...but...okay, fine. _McKay looked away in defeat. "I suppose it wouldn't be the end of the world to go," he said aloud but it came as more of a resigned whine.

"See, there you are. We're going. Oh! And we're all wearing these." Sheppard reached into the bag at his feet, revealing the final surprise. He handed the first pair of ears to Ronon and then motioned for him to pass the bag around.

"What is it?" Ronon asked, turning the headpiece in each direction and even biting into the left ear.

"Mouse ears. Everyone wears them." Sheppard put the ears on his own head to show them. Teyla lifted an eyebrow. Ronon snorted.

"Don't say I never do anything for you," McKay said while placing the ears on his own head with a pout.

Ronon and Teyla glanced at one another then shrugged, putting their own ears on. McKay smiled.

"See!" Sheppard said. "I told you. This is going to be awesome."

"For various definitions of awesome," McKay agreed, but he did smile a little.


	2. Coda

Many of you asked for more so I finally managed to write a coda to The Creepiest Place on Earth. So if you commented and asked for more, this is for you. I hope you enjoy.

Warnings: A bit of a silly fic. Also, trigger warning for brief mentions of PTSD.

Thanks to iamwithrebel for the beta

* * *

><p>Ronon Dex counted two shady figures on the balcony and one on the first level near the organ. Each wore similar garb to that of Sheppard's western movies right down to the designed guns in their holsters and the black cowboy hats.<p>

The saloon's crowd paid little heed to the black hats. Possibly they didn't expect any trouble so they didn't see any. Maybe the singer on stage served as too great a distraction. Ronon, however, kept his gaze firmly on these men knowing trouble would start any moment.

Four other men wore brown cowboy hats. Unlike the crowd, they too surveyed the black hats with suspicion. They congregated together at first but then separated among the crowd all the time not taking their eyes off the suspicious men.

One of the brown hats wore a giant star on his chest with the word 'sheriff' printed across. His hand hovered slightly above his holster as he nodded toward two more brown hats as they entered the room and blocked the exits.

Ronon reached for his side weapon despite knowing he'd left it behind. He felt naked with an empty holster. Thankfully Ronon always carried backup if it became necessary. Security never noticed the knives in his dreadlocks or the ones on his ankles.

The cowboy on stage stopped singing and the crowd of non-cowboy hat wearers burst into applause. Immediately the three blackhats all motioned to one another and pulled out their weapons. The one on the lower floor burst into a run, pushing through the crowd toward Ronon. The sheriff called out loudly, "Stop that man!"

Ronon did not hesitate. His fist collided with the man's cheekbone. There was a large crack followed by a thump as the man hit the floor, his cowboy hat trailing behind him. His weapon clattered to the floor.

Silence enveloped the room as all eyes turned toward Ronon. The brown hats did not come forward but rather took steps back as if afraid. The two remaining black hats lowered their weapons but did not otherwise move. For a moment everything seemed frozen in place.

In the myriad of faces, Ronon saw McKay running forward, dropping his tray of fried food onto the nearest table, his mouse ears half-fallen off his head. McKay's eyes widened with a mixture of panic and surprise. "What just happened?"

"They said to stop him. I did."

"Oh no no no, this is not good. Didn't Sheppard tell you everyone in costume is acting? Acting! As in not real."

"They're not in costume."

"Those are costumes!"

"Oh. Didn't look like it." Ronon thought back to the characters in large fuzzy outfits. At least they didn't look real.

"It didn't look like it? Seriously? You think we all just walk around looking like we came out of Bonanza?"

"Maybe."

Ronon noticed many people quickly leaving Disneyland's The Golden Horseshoe while many more hung around to take pictures. The brown hats and the black hats now congregated together talking in hushed whispers.

"Excuse us, sir. You need to come with us." Two men in white shirts approached and Ronon could see more congregating around the crowd. At first glance they didn't seem any different than the onlookers except that each carried a radio and a nametag. One of these men kneeled down next to the downed 'bad guy' and began checking him over.

Rodney stepped between Ronon and the security guard. "Look he's a little confused."

"He knocked out one of our characters," Bill-according to his nametag-said.

"Oh, please, he's not unconscious. Look, you can still hear him groaning."

Bill raised a slight eyebrow at this remark then tried to sidestep McKay. "With me, sir. Please."

"Yeah, okay," Ronon answered.

Only McKay didn't know when to stop. "Look, it was a mistake okay. It won't happen again," he said, leaning in toward the man as they led Ronon through a hidden exit and into an underground tunnel.

The set of underground tunnels in Disneyland didn't surprise Ronon. A place like this needed to keep security tight and the large crowds made safety difficult. It also helped keep up the happy appearance whenever trouble started. Ronon appreciated the tunnels for their privacy. He didn't need the crowds to treat him like one of their shows.

McKay continued to ramble. "I know he's big, tall, and menacing but Ronon here is really a nice guy. It's true, sometimes he can be a little trigger happy."

"You mean fist happy?" Bill asked, coming to a sudden stop.

"Yeah, sure, whatever. At least he didn't try to knife the guy or something."

"Knife? Do you have weapons on you, sir?"

"Of course he doesn't. This is Disneyland it's not as if there are bad guys everywhere. The point is that he's just a little confused and the man's alive, just has a little shiner to add to your act. No harm, no foul, right?"

"McKay. Stop."

McKay didn't listen. Give the guy a computer and he could get you out of most messes. Leave him in a panic with nothing but his mouth and he rambled on and on-usually not for the better. Talking served as McKay's defense mechanism. Ronon wondered if McKay even realized he was talking aloud half the time or if he even knew what he was saying.

"I'm just saying-" McKay met Ronon's eyes and stopped. Sadly, the silence didn't last. Rodney whispered, leaning in as if the other guards couldn't hear him, "Tell me you didn't bring any of your hidden weapons here. What part of perfectly safe did you fail to understand?"

Ronon groaned inwardly.

Police officers entered the tunnel. One of them stepped forward relieving Bill. He stood at least a good foot higher than most people in the room. The scars on his muscular arms suggested that he saw his fair share of fights. "Sirs, you need to place your hands on your heads. I'm going to give you each a quick pat down before we head to the station." His voice remained even but firm.

"What? Me? What did I do?" McKay asked.

"Just do it," Ronon said as his fingers interlocked above his head. He could take the guards if it came down to that but somehow he knew Sheppard would not approve. There was no danger here. If necessary, the military would step in with a cover story and they'd be on their way back to Atlantis.

"They weren't complaining last night when I fixed Space Mountain," McKay mumbled under his breath, pouting.

"That was you?" the officer asked as he relieved Ronon of three of his five hidden knives. "We've been trying to figure out who broke into the machine room."

"It's not breaking in if the door is already open. If you didn't want anyone in there you shouldn't have made it so easy." Bill and the officer exchanged wary glances. McKay must have noticed because he added, "I did make the ride better, didn't I?"

Bill didn't answer, probably at a loss for words. Ronon allowed the officer to bind his hands behind his back. While McKay continued to ramble, Ronon listened to the officer tell him something about keeping silent and getting a lawyer. He'd have to remember to ask McKay what all of that meant.

* * *

><p>"I'm sorry, you're where again?" Sheppard asked.<p>

"Stop rubbing it in and just get down here!" McKay yelled.

"I'm not rubbing it in, Rodney."

"Yes, you are. Your smirk is so large I can see it from here."

"You really got arrested? At Disneyland?"

"For the hundredth time, yes. Now are you going to help or not?"

"Just hold tight and stop talking. I'll be there eventually," he answered.

"Don't you mean soon?"

Sheppard ended the call without replying. For once, he didn't need to rush to the rescue. Ten minutes remained of his thirty minute wait for Space Mountain. McKay and Ronon weren't in immediate danger. They could wait while Sheppard finished his Disney bucket list. Anyway, McKay would want to know if Sheppard appreciated his changes to the ride.

Once off Space Mountain-which was more immersive and less jolting than he remembered-he made his way down the main road.

He stopped for dinner at The Carnation Cafe where Teyla slid into the chair across from his. "I am starting to suspect Rodney was right. We should not have come here."

"I don't know. I like it. I'm guessing you do to." He motioned toward her Minnie Mouse dress and the multitude of bags hanging from her arms.

"I will admit there is a certain charm to this place. I even enjoyed waiting in long lines."

"Really? You liked waiting in lines? Why?"

"I welcome any opportunity to talk to people from other cultures. It is refreshing to learn so much from others while not having to fear what they may be hiding."

"And you finally got to ride on a ferris wheel."

"The ferris wheel, the rollercoaster, and the log ride were all greatly entertaining."

"So there you go. Totally worth the trip."

"Only Dr. McKay and Ronon managed to get taken prisoner?"

"Arrested, yeah. Speaking of which, we should get our stories straight before we go in. Ronon has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which made him think he was still on the front lines in Iraq."

"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?"

"PTSD. It's an illness people suffer from after serving in war. Blank stares. Vivid nightmares. Violent behavior when they think they're back on the battlefield."

It felt wrong to lie about such things especially with all the people Sheppard knew who suffered each day from the symptoms but it also wasn't too far from the truth. Ronon had spent his life fighting and running. Truth-be-told it was a miracle none of his team showed severe symptoms of the disorder. All of them had served enough battles to last several lifetimes and the true horror that was the Wraith should only have made things worse.

Sheppard insisted on the trip for just this reason. They'd experienced too many fights and losses. Without interference, he knew even the strongest man could break-including himself. It was only a matter of time. Disneyland was safe. Disneyland was peaceful. Disneyland was happy.

"I have known several Athosians plagued by such an illness after surviving Wraith attacks," Teyla answered sadly. "And Dr. McKay?"

"I'm still working on that one. He did make Space Mountain cooler."

At the station-hidden behind Main Street-a police officer waited at the desk. From the outside window, Sheppard could see her tapping her pencil in frustration with one hand while attempting to run her hands through her brown hair. The trouble was that her hair sat high on her head in a tight knot. In response to her rubbing, strands of hair stuck out in multiple directions giving her a disheveled appearance.

When Sheppard opened the door, she quickly straightened. "You here for them?" she asked, gesturing toward the cell behind her where McKay waved sheepishly. When Sheppard nodded in the affirmative she breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank god. That one won't shut up about how he fixed the ride."

"You'll note that they didn't change it back, did they? Ride it. You'll see for yourself," McKay called loudly. Judging by Ronon's low growl, Sheppard arrived just in time.

McKay contiued, "And you! What took you so long?"

"Didn't I tell you to stop talking?"

Sheppard grimaced slightly, hoping it would win charm with the officer. He preferred not involving the SGC if possible and he still wasn't sure what angle to play to free Mckay if needed. "Thanks. Look, I'm sorry about my friends. Ronon hasn't been the same since returning from Iraq. It really messed with his mind."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the woman answered. "I had a feeling about that one. Not so sure what is wrong with the other guy. Does he ever shut up?"

"Not when he's in trouble. Not really."

"Wait here," the woman ordered as she disappeared into a back room. She came out a moment later. "Well, good news for me is you get to take them both home right away. In light of everything, Disneyland has decided not to press charges as long as they agree to never return."

"Yes!" McKay exclaimed from the back. Sheppard glared in return.

Sheppard finished signing paperwork as the officer gave him further instructions and a mountain more of paperwork to take home. A moment later the cell door opened.

"About time," McKay mumbled while rubbing his wrists. "This place is a-"

"Easy, Rodney," Teyla said. "You have talked yourself into enough trouble for tonight."

Thankfully, McKay took her advice and quieted down.

The next evening Sheppard sat in the Deadalus commissary when McKay took the seat between him and Ronon. Black bags no longer threatened to overtake his teammates' eyes. For once, they all seemed well rested. It was a nice change.

"So we're in agreement?" McKay asked. "No more Disneyland trips? Right?"

"They did ban you for life. You're lucky they didn't press charges," Sheppard replied.

"Lucky? They should have paid me. Did you see how I fixed the ride?"

"Yes, Rodney, I saw it. It was...unique."

"They were just upset that I'm smarter than all their imagineers."

"I'm sure that's it." Sometimes McKay just needed to be placated.

Then Sheppard saw McKay's smirk. "Wait a minute. Did you get yourself arrested on purpose?"

"What? Why? Why would I do that?"

"So you'd get banned."

"Really? Get arrested so I could get banned? I'm not that desperate," McKay said, shuffling slightly and avoiding Sheppard's gaze.

"Wow. You did! Didn't you? Why would you do that? What is wrong with you?"

"Perhaps Ronon or I can suggest a place for our next vacation?" Teyla cut in placing her tray on the table.

"I dunno. I sort of liked Disneyland. I'd go again," Ronon said as all three teammates turned to him in disbelief. "Something simple about it." He shrugged as though this explained everything.

Teyla nodded. "Yes, I think so, too. I learned a great deal from our outing. For instance, did you know there is a place on earth where people run from massive horned animals? It's apparently a major celebration in the streets of Spain."

"Sounds fun," Ronon said. "Maybe we should try that next time?"

"I'd rather go to Disneyland again." McKay groaned.

Sheppard kicked his legs on the table, smiling as he leaned back against his chair. "See! Everyone had fun."

"I didn't say that," McKay cut in.

"Right. Everyone but McKay liked it there and I'm fairly certain he actually enjoyed himself despite his grumpy nature. You were smiling whenever we were on rides together. Well, when you weren't screaming anyway."

"Hm. Let's think about this more, shall we? Kids, costumed creeps and I ended up in jail. I'm not really feeling the fun here."

"Hey, you didn't have to get yourself arrested," Sheppard said. "That's all on you."

"I said I didn't do it on purpose and can we please move on. Surely there is somewhere we can all spend our next vacation without getting into more trouble."

"How about Disney World? They have better parks and we can give you two new identities. Could be fun."

"I'm in," Ronon answered.

"I would enjoy such a vacation," Teyla said.

"I hate you all," McKay muttered, jabbing his fork in Sheppard's direction. However, his angry gaze quickly changed to thoughtful. "I wonder how quickly I could fix Splash Mountain?"


End file.
